Category Archives: Humor

Poolside Proposition

pool in evening 1

 

After an evening of poolside flirting, the man propositioned the naïve woman: “Want to skinny dip in the shallow end?”

She replied:  “I’m a good swimmer.  And I don’t know how skinny I have to be, but I’m willing to find out!”

 

 

 

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A Thief in the Night

I’ve discovered that the older I’ve become, the more vulnerable I’ve become to the monster who creeps in the night and tries at all costs to rob me of one of my most valuable and precious commodities – sleep. I’ve come to call this monster “The Sleep Thief.” You may know it as “insomnia.” This is a truly horrible experience that I would not wish even on my worst enemy.insomnia2

Is the image on the right familiar to you?  If the answer is yes, then you, too, are familiar with this selfish monster, and the chances are very good that it has also robbed you of precious hours of sleep.

This awful creature held me hostage last night, and the same old tired (pardon the pun) story played itself out again. I was so upset that I even resented my poor husband, who was resting so peacefully on his side of the bed, deep in the throes of his own pleasant dreams. To tell you the truth, what I really wanted to do was hit him with my pillow so that he would wake up – after all, misery loves company!

But no matter how much I pleaded, I could not coax Mr. Sandman to sprinkle his magic sleeping dust over me so that I could obtain the blessed relief of slumber. I tried counting sheep, but even that did not help.

counting-sheepI found myself watching the clock as each second of every single minute of all the hours ticked slowly by.

So I thought I would get up in the hopes that I might fall asleep in front of some late night television program, but to no avail. I tried reading a book – the most boring book I could find – but even that could not lull me into slumber. By this time, I was getting desperate. A glass of warm milk, which normally I despise and under no circumstances would even think of consuming, did nothing to persuade my now-wide awake body to fall into the dearly desired land of dreams.

Then I came up with the brilliant idea of taking a long soak in a warm bubble bath. This always helps to soothe my nerves and makes me sleepy by the time I’m finished. So as I soaked my tired body, there were aromatherapy candles flickering on the vanity, while I listened to my favorite relaxing melodies. After a soothing twenty minutes in the bathtub, the lovely sleepy feeling that I had been yearning for all night long was finally taking its gentle hold upon my body.

I dressed myself in my pajamas and was just about to climb back into bed next to my sleeping husband when our little toy poodle Lucy awakened to go outside for her usual morning routine. And guess who had to take care of her? You guessed it. Yours truly.  And then the alarm went off. It figures.

At least there’s a bright side to my visit from the“thief in the night.” It gave me something to write about in my blog today. Thank God for small favors.

QUOTE FOR TODAY:“Oh sleep! It is a gentle thing, beloved from pole to pole.”Samuel Taylor Coleridge ~

My Best Event

My Best Event

A Trip Home from the Theater

One hot, muggy Saturday afternoon in the summer of August, 2009, my husband and I decided we needed to get out of the house and into some air conditioning. Our old house wasn’t equipped with a central air conditioning unit yet, and this particular Minnesota summer had been unusually uncomfortable.

So we thought it would be a great idea to spend a few hours in an air-conditioned movie theater. I don’t remember which movie we viewed, but I do remember the feeling of being there. It was a lovely treat, sitting in the cool theater which smelled of buttery popcorn and chocolate. It was a welcome respite; those couple of hours of residing in the cool, air-conditioned theater, lost in a world of make-believe.

When the movie finished, I dreaded having to leave because I knew it meant returning home to face the stifling, muggy heat of our house. However, I knew the time had to come sooner or later, so I resigned myself to the fact that I might as well make the best of it.

We strolled out of the theater together, hand in hand, moving slowly behind the rest of the crowd, in no hurry to go back out into the heat. The closer and closer we came to the exit door, the more slowly we strolled. Eventually we theater parking lot 1stepped outside into the sultry warmth, and it was not pleasant. It was the kind of temperature change that practically hit you in the face the second you walked out through the door.

As we walked towards our car, we discussed going out to dinner, ambling leisurely down the aisle in the parking lot, in no hurry to locate our car. The brief relief from the heat had put both of us into a good mood.

In no time at all, we arrived at the spot where our mini-van was parked. I had been driving the family van ever since we had bought it brand-new six years before, and she was still running like a champ. When we were together, my husband preferred to drive — some sort of male ego thing, I suppose — so I always let him. He used the automatic key unlock mechanism hanging from his key chain when we were about four feet away from the car.

I still was in no hurry to step into our van, because I knew how warm it would be on the inside. Even as I opened the van door, I could feel the even warmer air of the van quickly escape. I slowly sat down in the passenger’s seat just as my husband was getting into the driver’s seat. I sat there for a moment and then, at the same time, my husband and I looked at each other and we said in unison, “This isn’t our van!”

You have never seen two adults exit a vehicle faster than we did at this particular moment in time! We quickly closed the doors and walked speedily away, hoping the owner was nowhere nearby. We thought for sure we would be arrested for grand theft auto! Fortunately for us, the owner must have still been inside the theater watching a different film.

Once we located our mini-van and were safely seated inside, my husband turned on the engine, and we laughed so hard that we didn’t even notice the steamy temperature inside our van.

But it’s a good thing we weren’t arrested. I don’t know if I could have done hard time in prison. But I do wonder … are prisons air-conditioned?

QUOTE OF THE DAY:  “Those who cannot remember the past will spend a lot of time looking for their cars in mall parking lots.”  ~ Jay Trachman

 

A Place to be Alone

Throughout the years, I have often found that I needed time to get away to be by myself, but the problem lie in the fact that it was difficult to find a place to be alone, especially as my children were growing up. While contemplating this, I couldn’t help but laugh, because it was then that I remembered where I used to go to find that precious solitude.

I was a full-time working wife and mother, having a position as a registered nurse in the operating room of a local hospital. I rose early in the morning because I needed to be at my job by 6:30 a.m.  I also had to be on-call at least once a week, which meant extra hours at work. In addition to this, I had to work my share of weekends and holidays. This was the lot of being a nurse, and I knew full well what I was getting into when I entered this profession. But still, I missed the time away from my husband and children, although it did mean that I was among other people, which was a nice change sometimes. I loved my job as a nurse, mostly because it meant I could help to change people’s lives for the better, sometimes even saving their lives. But it could be stressful, and when I came home after a long day, I often wished for time alone and a place to spend it in.

If you have ever raised a family, then I’m sure you know how difficult it is to find that kind of peaceful environment within the home, and it was no different for me. My children demanded my attention, which I gladly gave to them; however, I often wished for some solitary time.

Then I discovered that there was a way for me to be alone, and you may be surprised at what I did to accomplish this goal. Or, if you are a parent, perhaps you won’t be surprised. I discovered that there was one place in the house where I could go off by myself, a place where no one would follow me.

The bathroom! Yes, the bathroom was the one place where I could escape to in order to have time to myself! Silly, you say? Well, it wasn’t at the time. It was glorious, being able to finally be alone in a place where no one would Girl in bathtubbother me, a place where I could finally have some peace and quiet, just for myself. But alas, it didn’t take long before my family figured it out, and before I knew it, my kids would knock on the door and yell, “Mommy!” so insistently that I couldn’t ignore them and I’d have to give in to their pleas.

Now the years have flown by and our children are grown. Our son is out on his own, our oldest daughter is married, and our youngest daughter is away at college, save for the holidays and summer vacations. You would think that I would have sufficient time alone now, wouldn’t you? You would think that since I have almost the entire house to myself (except for my husband) that I’d find lots of places to be alone, wouldn’t you?

But even now, when I go into the bathroom and close the door, it’s not long before I hear scratching on the door and the whimpering of my toy poodle Lucy, as if she’s crying, “Mommy!”

Some things never change.

 

 

I Love Chocolate

Oooh . . .  Which flavor do I love? There is no question whatsoever! Chocolate has been and always will be my favorite flavor. You can ask any woman and I think that she will tell you that chocolate is the go-to flavor. I could be wrong about this, of course, but every woman who I know absolutely adores chocolate.

After all, what is Valentine’s Day all about? Uh-huh! Chocolate. We do anticipate receiving those heart-shaped ribbon-wrapped boxes filled with those sweet chocolate confections of all varieties – coconut, maple, vanilla, pecan, caramel, orange, butternut . . . ooh . . . it just makes my mouth water to think of it! chocolates

And you must admit that a box of chocolates is always a great way for any man to show his love and adoration for his woman. It’s a nice gift for any birthday or anniversary. Of course, it shouldn’t be the ONLY gift that you should give to the woman who you love, but it makes for a nice additional gift. It’s also a nice little gift for any day, for those days when there’s nothing going on, just to show that you love her.

I love chocolate in any form, whether it’s from the box, in a cake, or in ice cream form. I even love chocolate milk or hot chocolate. Chocolate soothes me. I think chocolate is luxurious. It makes me feel so good. It just relaxes me. There’s just something about chocolate that I absolutely love. And it tastes so good. I love its sweetness and smoothness.

Yes, oh yes. Chocolate is my flavor. I love chocolate.

QUOTE OF THE DAY:  “All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt! ”  ~ Lucy Van Pelt in Peanuts by Charles M. Schulz

 

 

I’m Going to Miss “U”

I positively love every single word that we speak, and as a writer, I know it’s going to be a very demanding task to write this blog post and eliminate a letter of the alphabet at the same time, especially a vowel; however, I’m going to give it a whirl. Let’s see how I do!

It seems to me that every letter of the alphabet is as important as the next one; otherwise they’d not have been allocated there by the creators in the first place, right? Well, at least that is my modest opinion.alphabet

Here’s a little history. Please let me inform everyone that the alphabet goes all the way back to the second millennial B.C. It can be traced to ancient Egypt; however, the first real alphabet comes from the Greek alphabet, which was adapted from the Phoenicians. The alphabet which is practiced mostly today is the Latin alphabet. As one can tell from reading the sentences which have gone before this, I adore history, so I can’t help myself by mentioning a few facts!

As for myself, in writing this blog entry so far, I have been laboring over my laptop trying so hard not to type the vowel that I will not type; however, it has been very hard, to say the least. I have been looking at words in the book that gives synonyms (I’m positive that one knows which book I’m speaking of) so that I will be able to not type that certain vowel. Is that cheating? I hope not!

I am finding that I am very limited in my writing by not being able to type that certain vowel that I’ve been trying to avoid; it has been very trying, indeed! I don’t think that I like being limited in this fashion, and I certainly hope that this vowel is not eliminated from the alphabet, for I think that if it is, it will be a sad day, indeed.

And think of how sad it might be for the children when they sing the “Alphabet Song.” Why, the entire song will have to be revised! They’d have to skip over that letter, and I don’t think the song will ever be the same again.

 

 

Besides that, I rather like that there are 26 letters of the alphabet. I was born on the 26th day of the eighth month of the year. So as anyone can see, I can’t name the month – it has the vowel that I can’t name, right? And I like that it is even, not odd.

Okay, I think I’m finished. Finally. Thank goodness. Now give me back my vowel. I rather like my letter . . .

“U”

Ah, yes . . . I’ve missed you so much!

QUOTE OF THE DAY:  “The alphabet begins with ABC, numbers begin with 123, music begins with do-re-mi, and friendship begins with you and me.”  ~ Author Unknown

A Friend For Life

I believe that everyone should have the pleasure of knowing that they have a best friend, at least at one time or another in their life, and I’m so fortunate that I can say that I have. As a matter of fact, I have a friend who has been a lifelong friend. Her name is Laurie. I met her in 1960 and we are still friends to this very day! We were only five at the time, and she was my very first friend.

There have been periods throughout these many years – actually, decades – in which we have not had a chance to communicate with each other for two to three years at a stretch, but when we do, it’s as though we had just seen each other the day before. The fact that we can do this is a testimony to our friendship. It shows that the sands of time have not broken our bond of friendship, and I am forever grateful for this blessing. There’s a song make new friends 10that the Brownie Girl Scouts sing which summarizes how old friendships should be compared to new friendships, and it’s called: Make New Friends: 

Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other is gold. A circle is round, it has no end. That’s how long I will be your friend. A fire burns bright, it warms the heart. We’ve been friends from the very start. You have one hand, I have the other. Put them together, we have each other. Silver is precious, gold is too. I am precious and so are you. You help me, and I’ll help you, and together we’ll see it through. Across the land, across the sea, friends forever we will always be.

And speaking of Brownies, I will tell you my favorite story about the two of us when we were six years old and in the first grade together. Laurie belonged to the local Brownie troop. I remember every Tuesday she would wear her Brownie uniform to school. I was so jealous of her. I wanted to be in the Brownies, but my parents could not afford the cost of the uniform.  So I had to settle for Laurie’s accounts of every meeting. One day she came home with her Brownie handbook and showed me a story about Brownies. Now these Brownies were good deed-doers, and in the middle of the night, when everyone was fast asleep, the Brownies would come out and do good deeds.  When the people arose in the morning, the good deed would be apparent, but of course, no one knew who did the good deed.  The most important part of doing a good deed was to never reveal your identity. If you told anyone it was you who did the good deed, then the good deed would be erased out of the Book of Good Deeds.

Of course, Laurie and I, being six years old, were quite impressionable and wanted to be Brownies. So Laurie arranged for me to sleep over at her house one Friday night. Laurie knew her parents went to bed at eleven o’clock every night. The plan was that at midnight we would sneak down the stairs and into the kitchen where we would set out breakfast for everyone—bowls, spoons, glasses, cereal boxes, orange juice and milk. Since we were only six years old, we didn’t think about the milk spoiling or the orange juice getting warm. We were just concerned with the task at hand—to be Brownies.

So that evening, I went to Laurie’s house at suppertime. I remember we had tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. I can still smell the fresh tomatoes and the toasting cheese sandwiches. Naturally, the meal which I ate at my friend’s house tasted so much better than it did when I ate the same meal at my house. Mrs. Larson even brought out an apple pie for dessert. Mrs. Larson made the best apple pie. I can still taste the sweetness of the brownie dollsugar and cinnamon mixed with the apples and the flaky light brown pie crust. It makes my mouth water just to remember it.

After dinner, Laurie and I played the usual game we always played: make-believe. We took turns playing teacher. We even managed to have her brother David and her baby sister Valerie sit in as students. We were allowed to stay up until nine o’clock since it was not a school night. But at nine o’clock we ran up the stairs to Laurie’s bedroom. We were so excited that we were going to be Brownies in just three hours.

Now Laurie’s parents had this beautiful wooden cuckoo clock hanging on the wall in their living room. Every hour on the hour, the little cuckoo bird inside would come out and announce the hour by his cuckoo. If it was nine o’clock he would cuckoo nine times.  If it was nine-thirty he would cuckoo only once. This was the way we were going to know when midnight came. We decided that once we could hear the little bird cuckoo twelve times, the coast would be clear, and we would be free to sneak down the stairs and into the kitchen.

So to pass the time, we whispered to each other so her parents would not hear. We whispered all kinds of things that little girls whisper about. I also remember Laurie had a flashlight and showed me how she read underneath the blankets. This was a new trick to me. So we read stories. I remember our favorite book at this point was a book that Laurie owned: The Big Book of Mother Goose. There was one more book which Laurie owned and was also a favorite of ours: The Fairy Tales of Grimm.

I remember listening for the cuckoo clock and sure enough, just as Laurie had promised, we could hear it in her bedroom. The time seemed to drag by. We were so anxious to do our good deed that there was no way we would fall asleep.

Then finally, the time came. Midnight. We crept out of the bedroom, tiptoeing past the other bedrooms, hoping the wooden floor would not creak. We reached the top of the stairs. We had decided beforehand that the best way to get down the stairs quietly was if we sat on each step and then slip down to the next one, using our backsides instead of our feet. I remember counting those stairs as we descended—there were thirteen stairs exactly. I remember sitting side by side with Laurie, sliding down those stairs. Because of the darkness it was difficult to see, but we managed by holding on to each other’s hand. When we reached the bottom of the stairs we tiptoed into the kitchen. Of course, we had to do our good deed in the dark because Laurie’s mom and dad slept in the downstairs bedroom.brownies 6

Into the kitchen we tiptoed, as slowly and as carefully as we could. Finally we reached our destination and began to whisper into each other’s ear about what to put out on the table. We set about our work, knowing that one day perhaps our good deed would be rewarded. I admit that it was hard not to giggle as we set out the bowls and glasses. We were having a wonderful time being Brownies.

As a matter of fact, we were having such a wonderful time that we didn’t notice Laurie’s mom walking down the hall. Laurie saw her mother first and darted underneath the sink. There was no cupboard under the sink, so it was the perfect place to go.  When I noticed my friend hiding beneath the sink, I knew something was up. I turned around and there she was—Mrs. Larson in her pink nightgown with her big fuzzy slippers. She was standing there looking at me with her hands on her hips. Now when I think about it, I know she was suppressing a smile. As soon as I saw her, I hurried to where Laurie was, but it was no use; the jig was up. Mrs. Larson flipped on the kitchen light and said, “Girls, it’s not time for breakfast yet. You still have about eight hours of sleep time left. Go on now. I’ll finish up in here; you two get to bed.”

We scurried out of the kitchen and upon passing the cuckoo clock in the living room, Laurie pointed it out to me. It showed the time to be only 11:15. I guess we had miscounted the cuckoos! We giggled all the way up the stairs and into Laurie’s bedroom. We never did try to be Brownies again. But I think our good deed counted, anyway.

QUOTE OF THE DAY:  “It takes a long time to grow an old friend.”   ~ John Leonard

 

 

 

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